Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Kinda hard to get my mind off it...

…I mean c'mon Dude, lung cancer! Me?! ME! How can it be!? I look in the mirror, rip my shirt off…can’t see it…no suppurating wound, no lump big as a golf ball…can’t even fucking feel anything yet…I must be asleep…it’s got to be a dream, I’m dreaming that’s it, no, no goddamitall I’m awake and it’s a nightmare come true with all the attendant grisly scenarios in the wings…stay calm I say, stay calm…calm? What’s that fer Cris’sakes?! Can’t breathe…nothing else matters when you can’t breathe…I’m gasping for air, clawing at the wall…not calm at all, outwardly maybe, inwardly I’m trembling with fear and dread, throat dry, bowels turn to water, blood runs cold as ice, heart banging like a fucking trip hammer, teeth chattering, both of them…knees shaking, both of them too, and just generally fucked up by this grim news…but it passes and in a few minutes, humor intact, I’m able to hum along a little better and forge ahead anyway…probably no sense gettin’ any more ink…and no more love affairs, well, I’m sworn off them anyhow lung cancer or not; and chances are the lease going to get broken, some bills won’t get paid, all the usual accompaniments to rolling snake eyes. Things to disperse. Christ, I don’t have anything to give anybody really? I mean how many people need old sweat suits? What kind of legacy is that? Who knew this is the way it would end? Youth, youth, health - where did you go? Time, o good good time, where did you go? I’m sorry to burden you Dear Reader with this tale of woe but I ask you, where else to turn? And for those of you who are grammatically correct please forgive the one paragraph semi-stream of consciousness I’m (per usual) rattling on with, because a whole night has passed and I sat here staring bug-eyed at a blank screen, wide-eyed like a fucking frog fer Cris’sakes, amazed that all this is happening. It’s a trip I hadn’t planned on taking, like Dude I was busy man, I was going other places, fact is I was going to take you with me, at my expense, can you believe it? Now this. We ain’t goin’ nowhere…well, enuff of this already, there are some things need be done of an immediate nature, hmmmm…where’s my dope…what’d I do with the opener?

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