NOTES FROM THE DUMP

Monday, May 30, 2011

IT WAS TERRIFYING...

…and, like NFTD – not for the faint of heart, but a moment ago I had the strangest rush; it was as close as you can come to passing out without actually passing out, see what I mean? Choking, gasping for air, actually reaching out with my hands as if to scoop some into my ruined air bags I staggered to and fro in my little apartment bangin’ off the goddamned walls & waking Peg downstairs I would guess…but to no avail, the lungs don’t function…not enough O2 was getting in nor CO2 out…I wasted precious air to curse whoever the Supreme Being is, take your pick, God, Allah, Other, and raged and yowled enough to wake the dead, hmmm…not to use that term.

To push the envelope any further would have been final, ah, fatal, well, both…assuming there’s no hereafter…fortunately this time I was home and not at the wheel and this mini-death was neither drug nor alcohol related nor neither was it self-induced in any fashion, discounting six point three decades of self-abuse; it just comes with the lung cancer territory.

I was scared make no mistake about it; I am scared still - and from now on knowing what I know. Once this episode passed I fell onto my bed and lay there in a stupor, trembling head to foot, thinking after all that if being dead is anything like this it’s not half bad once you get pass the strangulation. It was sort of a practice session, a brief glimpse into the beyond. Speaking of which…

Cemeteries are beginning to have a deleterious side effect on my psyche because all my life I have hung around them - they are great places to hang out if you don’t have to…the history lessons there and the stories the gravestones tell and don’t tell are a cornucopia (how’s that for mixing a metaphor, life and death…) of unbelievable scenarios, no two alike; one’s imagination runs wild, is released from limitation…but now it’s getting personal and I’m having to rethink a lot of things I once took for granted. Anymore when I’m in Townshend at the Oakwood Cemetery sitting with Ginny Albee or Alexander Cushing I’m wondering where’s a good spot for me…

The common denominator in the graveyard I once thought, is plural, not only death, but sorrow for the living - alongside each grave, I mused, someone once wept…but now I say, surely in the Pauper’s Field on Old Ferry Road some of those poor, demented wretches went to the ground known to no one…that said and there being a gamut of emotions run through at the boneyard maybe death is the only commonality; well, that’s the way it goes, you’re here for a while then you’re not.

At NFTD we believe in getting off to a cheerful start. It’s that - or give in to despair which I could easily do if it weren’t for you Dear Reader, you are my lifeline, my saving grace, the reason I am able to carry on - but o I tell you once I hung my head and wept, sobbed until the fucking table top I was leaning over looked like someone had spilled a glass of water on it…I don’t guess anyone saw nor heard me or if they did they couldn’t be bothered, which is just as well, wheeew - macho man crying is not all that cool. I felt quite the fool. I’ve overcome the blow…

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